Dread to my ears. Not again. The fear of facing more explosions to come surmounts me. The memory combined with the expectation of more explosions to come is not pleasant in the least.

This late night my parents woke me up to warn me that there had been another explosion and my concerned childhood friend, whom I had met in Cyprus as an infant when our families had both fled the war, scared as I, called to share her despair that Verdun no longer looked like Verdun. Imagine it's a bad dream, I try to reassure her and to convince ourselves. I feel the desperate need to sleep, to return to my cherished idealism and current life plans, to curl up in the safety of denial. I close my eyes tight - but reality still forbids me from sleep.

On Sunday night, the explosion in my area, Achrafieh, shook the windows as I was putting stickers in my students' books. The winds of wrath and darkness had once again returned. A few streets away, near our much beloved ABC, the explosion rocked a street, shattering windows, cutting electricity and injuring about nine and causing the collapse of a house wall that killed a 63 year old innocent woman. Haram! This poor soul, I think of my own mother. I want to run and hug her. It was the first of this week's sleepless nights.

Sunday Achrafieh, Monday Verdun, yesterday Aley, and meanwhile Tripoli... Where next tomorrow, or wait - how about later on tonight? Thank God it's still happening at nightime. How can I go back to sleep?

Exhausted, sunburnt from the weekend at the seaside, anxious and terrorized, I crave to sleep. But I cannot. My body is on alert, it's adrenalin is pumping, my eyes are wide wide awake. I cannot relax.

A bride to be, I'm beginning to wonder whether my wedding plans this summer will manage to hold.

An economic minister's calm and well-spoken speech on television and his claim that the government is receiving international aid, calmed my nerves a bit like a sedative and gave me some hope. He's a good man, I think to myself, hoping for some reason, that he doesn't end up assassinated.

My thoughts go out to the poor Lebanese soldiers who are fighting at the gates of hell. Several of us switched on our balcony lights between nine and ten this evening to show our support and gratefulness to them. Courageous, they are sacrificing their lives for our safety and protection. Not a mother yet, I feel the pain of one. My thoughts go out to all the innocent that are being injured and killed.

As I am writing, I hear another loud noise. My heart freezes for a second and returns to its hard beating with a burn. What was that sound? I'm on edge. Ah - I relax a bit ... it was some noise but it doesn't seem like it was another explosion.

Lebanon, land of so much creativity and potential! My friends, family, partner, students with your little lives and many dreams, my pets, myself - it's a rough phase. We will ride through this dark wave but light will come again and bring color and life back to our daily lives. Hang on...eventually... not sure exactly in how long but we will make it through.

Going to try to sleep...